Choose Growth

Chapter 1

Anchor Yourself

Before setting sail, let's experience what it feels like to get on the boat and anchor ourselves. Throughout this chapter, we will set you up for a smooth ride through the sometimes choppy and often unpredictable waters of life and the growth process. We will familiarize you with the features of your proverbial sailboat, your vessel throughout this growth journey, introduce you to those who may be on this ride with you, prepare you for the whole-body nature of this experience, and help you to secure the base of your boat. Let's begin.

What Do You Need?

Every human on the planet has fundamental needs that make us far more similar than we are different from one another. You have likely heard of the renowned "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs," the pyramid structure attributed to Abraham Maslow, which posits that humans are motivated by increasingly "higher" levels of needs. As it's been interpreted and taught in psychology courses and pop psychology, the more basic needs-physical health, safety, belonging, and esteem-must be satisfied to a certain degree before we can fully self-actualize, becoming all that we can become.

The truth is, though, as Scott details in his book Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, Maslow never actually created a pyramid to represent his hierarchy of needs. Whereas the pyramid shape implies we must ascend some metaphorical mountain until we complete each step, unlock the next level of possibility, and never look back, this is an unfortunate misrepresentation of the human condition. Maslow emphasized that we are in a constant state of maturation, and that growth is often a two-steps-forward, one-step-back phenomenon. Evolving in our human condition is not any one destination we are moving toward; it is an experience.

To guide us through our growth experience, Scott developed a flexible and functional new metaphor, the sailboat, to help us all conceptualize how the fundamental human needs really operate.

With holes in our boat, we can't go anywhere. When we are living in unsafe conditions, experiencing profound loneliness, or have poor perceptions of ourselves and our own abilities, our energy is often spent simply trying to stay afloat, plugging up the holes and keeping the water out to avoid disaster. Under more favorable conditions, the security needs of safety, connection, and self-esteem operate together to bring our lives stability and bolster us against the harsh waters of life.

But we don't stop there. Also essential to our human condition is growth, becoming all that we can become, what Maslow described as being "fully human." To grow, we can't just have a stable base, which is concerned primarily with defense and protection, but we must open our sails with vulnerability to life's winds and waves. Our sail enables us to be curious, open to understanding new truths about the world, to expand ourselves and discover new possibilities for our lives. The growth needs of exploration, love, and purpose function to help us revel in the beauty and goodness in the world and find our own place within it. In this "being realm of human existence," we see the world on its own terms, not only to the extent to which the world and people can satisfy our deficiencies.

As we'll uncover throughout the practices in the workbook, as we fortify our sailboat, it's not just about the level we reach or how large our sail is, but the integration and harmony we have within our boat, with ourselves, with our crewmates, and with the vast water around us. Transcendence, which rests on a secure foundation of both security and growth, allows us to attain wisdom and a sense of connectedness with the rest of humanity. Here's the catch, though: We can't seek transcendence directly. Rather, transcendent experiences come along for the ride of working on ourselves and engaging deeply with the world around us.

Let's begin to reflect on how our own proverbial boats have withstood the waves of our lives, and where we may have room for reengineering.

Practice

               1.            Spend some time quietly reflecting on the above passage and the sailboat image in the context of your own life. Consider the following questions about your own needs.

Security

In what ways do I feel safe and secure in my life right now?

In what ways does my safety feel challenged?

How is the general quality of my connections with other people?

What does my own internal dialogue or inner voice sound like?

Are there any areas in my life in which I feel like I'm just barely getting by?

How am I generally feeling about myself these days?

Growth

How am I generally feeling about the future?

What am I excited about right now?

What parts of myself and what parts of life am I most interested in exploring?

What is bringing me a sense of meaning in my life?

What types of things do I want to give my whole self to?

In what ways do I feel whole?

What makes me feel fully alive and vital?

               2.            Use the space below to fill in what your own sailboat looks like right now. Are there holes in the base of your boat? Your Sail? What areas of your boat require your greatest attention right now to help you meet your needs?

               3.            Based on the state of your sailboat, what have you discovered already about your needs and how they may be currently met or challenged? What is at least one intention you have for the rest of this journey?

Who's in Your Boat?

Now that we've taken stock of the state of our boats, let's think about who will be joining us along the ride. While this is designed to be a deeply personal adventure, it is not a solo expedition. Our pursuit of growth is a deeply interpersonal process, and research shows that having someone close such as a friend, romantic partner, or colleague who affirms our growth ideals enhances our ability to reach our goals and contributes to greater life satisfaction and psychological health.

We hope that you will choose to share some of the insights and revelations that you have about yourself and how you operate in the world with other people-friends, family members, partners, coworkers, or even a therapist or coach. Perhaps you will be moved to bring a particular topic to a family meal, your team at work, or your special someone. Maybe you'll engage a book club or reading group for accountability and support. Additionally, as we move into deeper waters, there may be times when we will feel out of our depths. Let's prepare for inevitable discomfort by thinking through who we might call upon to throw us a life vest so that we may, more safely, move into the unknown waters head-on.

Practice

1. Identify your crew.

               1.            Who in your life comprises your "crew," or the folks you would want in your sailboat with you, to help support your growth and hold you accountable on the journey ahead? (These folks can include anyone who you share your life with, alive or dead, humans or animals, who you can engage with literally or spiritually, through writing, journaling, or prayer.)

               2.            Who might you call in your "SOS" moments, or ask for help or an open ear when the going gets tough, and when unpleasant sensations, thoughts, or emotions might start to feel overwhelming?

               3.            Who might you engage with when you experience revelations, beauty, or the "aha" moments ahead? Is there anyone in your life who you love sharing positive news with, who helps you capitalize on the good stuff that happens to you?

2. Self check-in.

Take a moment to pause here and reflect on how challenging or simple this task was for you. Where do you find yourself?

Some readers may identify just how many rich connections they have to other human beings. These people ought to consider themselves very blessed, as human connection is one of the greatest gifts we can have in our lives, and as we'll explore in the next chapter, one of the greatest predictors of well-being, health, and life satisfaction.

Some of us may realize that although we have plenty of people in our lives, we can't really identify those who we would genuinely want-or feel comfortable-to share our most intimate struggles or quest for self-knowledge with. We can certainly experience loneliness even in the company of others. This awareness is important and may signal the presence of low-quality connections and an opportunity to work on these. If this is the case, consider revisiting this practice after you complete the practices in chapter 2. Still, not an insignificant number of us may genuinely be thinking, "I have no one to share these experiences with," or, "I am alone in this world, there's really no one." If this is the case, spend a moment reflecting:

How have I gotten here to this place of isolation? Is this by my choice, or the culmination of a series of choices I've made, or perhaps a result of unfortunate circumstances, such as loss of life of loved ones, or other reasons?

How is this life of solitude working out for me? Would this be my preference if I could choose?

Given the ultimate importance of relationships in our lives and the pervasiveness of loneliness in our world, we implore you to explore the following:

Are there connections that I have been neglecting, intentionally or not, with whom I might rekindle? Is there anyone to whom I might owe a phone call?

What other actions might I take to put myself out there and reengage with people in more deliberate ways?

3. Call on your crew, wisely.

Keep your crewmates top of mind as you proceed through the workbook; consider reaching out to them to reflect, laugh, or seek support. Many of us may hold back from asking for support when we need it because we don't wish to be a burden to others. However, this impulse is often misled, as research shows that providing support may lead to even greater psychological benefits than receiving it. Indeed, helping others helps oneself; by reaching out and asking for help, we can give others the gift of giving.

Think back to the last time someone asked you for help or sought your advice or counsel on a personal matter.

How did it feel to be recruited to help someone in need? What was the experience like for you?

Did you feel bothered in any way? If so, what bothered you?

If so, perhaps you were asked at an inconvenient time, or someone made demands of you that you were unable to fulfill. Maybe your counsel was ignored or misinterpreted, or someone asked to help with something that you had little personal experience with or interest in. Whatever you disliked about your own giving experience, remember these pitfalls when asking for help from others.

What felt good about helping this person? How might helping have reinforced your own sense of mastery?

Reflecting on your own giving experience, think about how you might ask others for help in ways that will be most energizing for them.

Mind, Meet Body

Growth isn't just a mental process that exists above our necks; it is a whole-person experience demanding that we attune to our bodies, in relationship with other minds and bodies around us. This idea of mind-body integration, or holism, was central to the ancient wisdom of philosophers Plato and Aristotle, as well as Hippocrates (460370 BCE), who is widely known for touting physical activity as a remedy for psychological distress: "If you're in a bad mood, go for a walk. If you're still in a bad mood, go for another walk."

However, this ethos largely fell out of fashion in the seventeenth century, when French philosopher RenŽ Descartes proposed the theory of dualism-that the mind and body are distinct and separate entities-and this artificial separation still largely dominates modern medical practice today. As a result, many of us, especially in the Western world, grossly misunderstand how we can learn from the wisdom of our bodies and capitalize on our mind-body synergy to pursue greater health and well-being.

The Polyvagal theory proposed by Dr. Stephen Porges states that humans and other social mammals operate in three distinct physiological-mental states, fight-or-flight, freeze, and social engagement. Transitions among them are mediated by the activity of two long nerves in our body, collectively known as the vagus nerve, that connects our brainstem to our internal organs, including our facial and throat muscles, pharynx, larynx, esophagus, stomach, intestines, heart, and lungs. Let's explore what goes on inside of us in each state.

               1.            Fight-or-flight. In this state, a part of our nervous system known as the sympathetic nervous system releases neurohormones like adrenaline, raises our blood pressure and heart rate, mobilizes our body's fuel stores for immediate use, dilates our airways to optimize oxygen delivery to our vital organs, and turns off digestion and other functions not immediately related to our survival (including our ability to relate to others). These physical changes are often accompanied by feelings like anger, frustration, irritation, and even rage as we move toward a threatening stimulus (to "fight"), or worry, anxiety, fear, and panic as we run away (take "flight"). Although this ancient defense evolved to keep us alive in times of grave danger, today it is more often triggered by even innocuous stressors of daily life: an overwhelming to-do list, an argument with our spouse, or that dirty dish that has been sitting in our sink for three days.

               2.            Freeze. This state evolved to facilitate conserving energy and reducing our metabolic demands in times of true crisis. In this mode, one portion of the vagus nerve, the dorsal vagus nerve, stimulates fuel storage and lowers our heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and muscle tone (think fainting or even hibernation). Sexual functioning and social behaviors are reduced, and we may feel helpless, trapped, and depressed. The freeze state may be associated with suicidal thoughts and dissociation (feeling "outside" of ourselves). Because of these ancient connections between our brains and our bodies, when we spend too much time immobilized (think sitting on the couch, vegging out, without adequate physical activity), our brains may perceive us to be in the "freeze" state and shut down, muddying our ability to think and hijacking our emotions, resulting in low mood.

               3.            Social engagement. This is the most recent state to evolve and is unique to social mammals (sorry, reptile and amphibian friends), defined by feelings of safety, connection, and awareness of the environment. Activation of a distinct portion of the vagus nerve, the ventral vagus, leads to enhanced digestion, optimal immune functioning, circulation of blood to nonvital organs including our skin and limbs, and the release of chemicals like oxytocin, which fosters social bonds and connection. In this state, we may feel present, at ease, and experience positive, prosocial emotions.