A Place to Belong

Evaluating Your Family Culture

What Are You Bringing to the Table?

To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.

-Confucius, Chinese philosopher

My children love playing with the chandelier hanging in our dining room when sunlight pours in from the high foyer window. We inherited this formal lighting fixture from the previous homeowners, and it doesn't match the relaxed decor of our home, so it was one of many things I'd planned to change as soon as we moved in. But seeing my kids' joy in chasing rainbows formed by the hanging prisms led me to leave it untouched. And even though it initially struck me as fussy and unappealing, the ornate light has become a fun focal point in the center of our home.

One day, I found my youngest kiddo standing atop the table, jangling the prisms, and before I could chastise him for having his chubby toes where they didn't belong, he squealed with delight and exclaimed, "Look, Mama! We have colors everywhere!" Forgetting my plans for admonishment, I smiled at how delighted he was at that moment, and it was then that the idea of having a colorful home began to cement in my mind.

Though my son's experience was quite literal, I envisioned a home atmosphere where we metaphorically celebrate colorful people like dancing rainbows. Each stripe dons its own unique shade while blending with its neighbor to create something more spectacular than any single color can achieve on its own. The afternoon rainbows on our walls remind me of the beauty of both individuality and togetherness lying alongside one another, and that's an idea I want to permeate my home.

I do hope that my children always feel magnificent in their skin. Not because they're convinced that they are somehow more special than others but because they embrace their differences while recognizing that we're better together. In short, I want them to form an identity around being a meaningful member of a colorful local and global community.

In her memoir, actress Tembi Locke considered the question "Do I belong here?" And after decades of trying to answer the question for strangers, the world, and herself, she concluded, "I had learned that identity is prismatic, that belonging requires claiming." I loved her words from the moment I read them. I understood, instinctively, that the concept of identity as a prism was compelling. Still, I had to sit with the thought for a while before assimilating it with my hopes for a colorful family culture.

Aside from the obvious connotation of being related to a prism, "prismatic" means varied and brilliant. Colorful. Another definition is "formed, separated, or distributed" by something acting as a prism. Identity is not a simple one-dimensional concept. It is a complex and colorful notion that actively develops through the prisms of experience and affiliation. Identity is not something that someone can put upon another person, but the home environment plays a crucial role in our children's identity development. Identity can be strengthened and supported under the careful watch of loving parents or marred by indifference and trauma. But for it to be authentic, it must be claimed.

For some families, including my own, a significant aspect of formed identity relates to religious convictions, and for the longest time, I felt like no further thinking on the matter was required. But I've since come to realize that parents have a responsibility to teach and guide within the context of our faith or without the overlay of any spiritual beliefs at all, depending on our personal convictions. So how do we go about helping our children claim an identity or self-concept that honors who they are while assuring that they can and do embrace others?

We are all individuals, but we are also part of something greater. To ignore either aspect can foster a poor sense of self, one of self-deprecation or self-adulation, situated at polarizing ends of the spectrum of belonging. Take the time to consider the messages your children may absorb from how you communicate your cultural identity and how you think and speak about others. Just as children have front-row seats to our passions and preferences, they also absorb our indifferences and insecurities. And sometimes those are communicated more loudly than we imagine.

What are you bringing to the table? The following sections include some questions to consider as you prepare to address past beliefs and behaviors, challenge the status quo, and welcome change within your home.

Cultural Heritage and Family Background

Explore who you are, where you come from, and how your past informs what you currently think, do, and say because your children will draw from the strengths and inconsistencies of your identity as they claim their own.

Who are you? What makes up your identity, and how does that shape your daily life?

How does your cultural heritage manifest physically, and how do you feel about it? And by physically, I don't just mean how you look. I also mean your physical space. Are there things in your environment that speak to who you are and where you come from?

How do the physical manifestations of your cultural heritage align with or differ from that of your children? If they differ, how is your child's cultural heritage manifested in your home?

How do you feel about who you are? What about the people from whom you have descended? Do you know anything about your ancestors? Are there parts of your lifestyle, celebrations, thoughts, or speech that reflect them or their lived experiences?

Do you help your children connect the dots between their immediate family, the generations before, and those who will come after them?

Did your parents or other members of your family hold biased or racist views as you were growing up? Do you still believe some of what you heard? If not, how were you able to grapple with what was said? How does the memory of it impact you today?

Why are you interested in creating an inclusive home environment? What do you want to do differently in your home versus the home in which you were raised?

Which aspects of your childhood home would you like to replicate?

Socialization and Community

Take inventory of who your family does life with and ascertain how your micro-community came to be. Acknowledge what's working in your social circles, and parse through any disconnect between the environment you want your children raised in and the environment your family swims in today.

If you're white, do you or have you ever had many close friends of color?

Do you believe that having close friends of color helps with cultural understanding? If so, how? If not, why not?

If you're a person of color, how much of your time is spent in all or mostly white environments? Are you comfortable with your current social circle?

What about your children? How do you (and they) feel about the community in which they're being raised?

If applicable, what do your children think about often being "the only one" in their environment?

How diverse are your social circles? Is the degree of inclusivity, or lack thereof, intentional? If your environment is homogenous (e.g., all white or all Black), what prevents you from engaging in a more diverse community?

Do you think your social circles are exclusive? Why or why not?

Do you find yourself consciously leaning into or avoiding friendships with people of color? What about friendships with white people? If so, why? How have your past experiences shaped that inclination?

What do you think about people of underrepresented cultures intentionally supporting one another and connecting alone as a group?

Can you easily connect with people who look different than you? Are you able to communicate easily? Do you see them as peers?

What topics do you find challenging to discuss with white people? People of color? Why do they make you uncomfortable?