George Washington Is Cash Money

Benjamin Franklin Is the God of Lightning
 
I know what you’re expecting
because I know how books like this usually go.
I’m supposed to tick off the Founding Fathers
one by one
and tell you what assholes they all actually are.
You know why popular history likes to do this?
Because everyone loves to see their heroes look bad
and if you have enough information about a dude
it is SUPER EASY to make him look like a dingus.
BAM
INSTANT BESTSELLER.
 
I did it with Christopher Columbus
because he’s terrible
and I did it with George Washington
’cause he’s the colonial equivalent of a trust fund kid
but now it’s time to talk about Ben Franklin
and I won’t do it.
It’s not that I can’t make Big Ben look like a prick.
Dude may have (definitely) hit on his best bro’s girl
while his bro was out of town one time
and he may have (definitely) refused to marry a lady
because her parents wouldn’t pay off ALL HIS DEBT
and he may have (definitely) cheated on his wife
and then fathered a son
who eventually fought against him in the revolution
but when the best dirt historians can dig up on you
is that you had a lot of extramarital sex
well, at worst
you’re the Zeus of the thirteen colonies.
 
Ben gets born in Boston around 1706
which means he had exactly seventy years
to become enough of a ruckus-causer
to spark off the American Revolution.
Yeah
imagine your granddad banging hookers in France
while simultaneously negotiating military treaties
and maybe then you’ll understand why I like this guy.
 
Anyway he gets born
he works for his brother as a printer for a while
teaches himself writing
(because he’s too poor for college)
and then goes “fuck this” and moves to Philly
because he hears they have dope sandwiches.
In Philly, he keeps being a printer
and he’s so goddamn good at it
(spoiler: Ben Franklin is good at EVERYTHING)
that pretty soon
dudes are just handing him cash to buy his own press
and start his own business.
 
So now he becomes a master printer
buys a couple slaves
(but don’t worry, he frees them later
and he doesn’t even have to die first!)
and starts a newspaper
which he uses to manipulate the opinions
of Philadelphia’s ENTIRE GOVERNMENT.
He also starts a weekly discussion group
which gets so popular
that each member starts his own discussion group
and from that point on
Ben Franklin owns Philadelphia.
 
Let me explain how this works:
Anytime Benjamin Franklin wants a thing to happen
the first thing he does is write a paper about it
then he reads it in his discussion group
and then he gives it to each of his members
and has them read it in their discussion group
then he publishes it in his newspaper
which is the most popular newspaper in the city
and then when everybody is talking about his plan
he goes to the assembly
(which he is also the clerk of, coincidentally)
and is like “Hey, guys
it seems like everybody wants this thing to happen
maybe you should do it.”
BOOM. POLITICS.
 
He uses this technique to get a night watch
a fire department
a militia
a hospital
a university
paved roads
and a library
(while also securing himself a contract
to print ALL THE MONEY IN PENNSYLVANIA).
You couldn’t throw a rock down a street
without hitting a public service attributable to him
and even if you did
your rock would be quickly swept up
by the street sweepers Franklin employed.
 
So obviously he becomes unreasonably wealthy
and he tries to retire
but everyone is like “NOPE
YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE ASSEMBLY NOW”
and he’s like “Aw man, really?
I was looking forward to a life of leisure
just doin’ science and hot chicks forever.”
But he does it anyway.
Then when shit starts getting crazy in the colonies
he goes to England
and he’s like “Guys, maybe we should make a deal
where you don’t act like you can make laws for us
and we maybe don’t kill all your guys”
and the British are like “PISH POSH”
and Ben’s like “Okay
maybe stop being British for a sec
and just listen to me”
and the British are like “BALDERDASH”
and Ben is like “Okay, well
I guess I’m gonna go tell France to kill you now”
and the French
(who at this time in history
will take ANY opportunity to screw with England)
are like “OUI OUI”
and Ben is like “God dammit
I’m surrounded by foreigners.”
 
But Franklin is not content
simply to challenge the British Empire
he has to challenge THE GODS THEMSELVES
specifically Zeus, god of lightning
presumably because he didn’t like the competition
when it came to illegitimate sexytimes.
 
So Ben decides to find out what’s up with electricity
which means he has to take a break
from single-handedly inventing Philadelphia
to run some experiments
and it turns out that there is one particular experiment
that everyone else is too much of a weenie to run
and that is the experiment
that will finally answer the age-old question:
“IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????”
COME ON
COME THE FUCK ON
IT’S LIGHTNING.
WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING
IT GOES BZZT
AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRA NSPARENT
AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES
HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS?
Man, the past is dumb.
 
But Big Ben Franklin is NOT
so he does the smartest possible thing
which is to make a kite out of metal and silk
attach a key to the bottom
and go out in a lightning storm.
This guy is on our money, America.
Not only is he on our money
he’s on a denomination of money
that I’m not even rich enough to possess.
Anyway, this experiment is a great success
Benjamin Franklin finally proves
that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be
and he writes a paper about it
and sends it to the Royal Society of London
and they’re all like “POPPYCOCK!
LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.”
And they refuse to acknowledge the experiment
until some French dudes run it better.
 
This brings to mind an old adage:
Early to bed
and early to rise
will not make you as cool
as Benjamin Franklin.
SLEEP LATE HAVE SEX.