Falling Out of Time

town chronicler: As they sit eating dinner, the man’s face suddenly turns. He thrusts his plate away. Knives and forks clang. He stands up and seems not to know where he is. The woman recoils in her chair. His gaze hovers around her without taking hold, and she—wounded already by disaster—senses immediately: it’s here again, touching me, its cold fingers on my lips. But what happened? she whispers with her eyes. Bewildered, the man looks at her and speaks:

—I have to go.

—Where?

—To him.

—Where?

—To him, there.

—To the place where it happened?

—No, no. There.

—What do you mean, there?

—I don’t know.

—You’re scaring me.

—Just to see him once more.

—But what could you see now? What is left to see?

—I might be able to see him there. Maybe even talk to him?

—Talk?!

town chronicler: Now they both unfold, awaken. The man speaks again.

—Your voice.

—It’s back. Yours too.

—How I missed your voice.

—I thought we . . . that we’d never . . .

—I missed your voice more than I missed my own.

—But what is there? There’s no such place. There doesn’t exist!

—If you go there, it does.

—But you don’t come back. No one ever has.

—Because only the dead have gone.

—And you—how will you go?

—I will go there alive.

—But you won’t come back.

—Maybe he’s waiting for us.

—He’s not. It’s been five years and he’s still not. He’s not.

—Maybe he’s wondering why we gave up on him so quickly, the minute they notified us . . .

—Look at me. Look into my eyes. What are you doing to us? It’s me, can’t you see? This is us, the two of us. This is our home. Our kitchen. Come, sit down. I’ll give you some soup.

man:

Lovely—

So lovely—

The kitchen

is lovely

right now,

with you ladling soup.

Here it’s warm and soft,

and steam

covers the cold

windowpane—

town chronicler: Perhaps because of the long years of silence, his hoarse voice fades to a whisper. He does not take his eyes off her. He watches so intently that her hand trembles.

man:

And loveliest of all are your tender,

curved arms.

Life is here,

dear one.

I had forgotten:

life is in the place where you

ladle soup

under the glowing light.

You did well to remind me:

we are here

and he is there,

and a timeless border

stands between us.

I had forgotten:

we are here

and he—

but it’s impossible!

Impossible.

woman:

Look at me. No,

not with that empty gaze.

Stop.

Come back to me,

to us. It’s so easy

to forsake us, and this

light, and tender

arms, and the thought

that we have come back

to life,

and that time

nonetheless

places thin compresses—

man:

No, this is impossible.

It’s no longer possible

that we,

that the sun,

that the watches, the shops,

that the moon,

the couples,

that tree-lined boulevards

turn green, that blood

in our veins,

that spring and autumn,

that people

innocently,

that things just are.

That the children

of others,

that their brightness

and warmness—

woman:

Be careful,

you are saying

things.

The threads

are so fine.

man:

At night people came

bearing news.

They walked a long way,

quietly grave,

and perhaps, as they did so,

they stole a taste, a lick.

With a child’s wonder

they learned they could hold

death in their mouths

like candy made of poison

to which they are miraculously

immune.

We opened the door,

this one. We stood here,

you and I,

shoulder to shoulder,

they

on the threshold

and we

facing them,

and they,

mercifully,

quietly,

stood there and

gave us

the breath

of death.

woman:

It was awfully quiet.

Cold flames lapped around us.

I said: I knew, tonight

you would come. I thought:

Come, noiseful void.

man:

From far away,

I heard you:

Don’t be afraid, you said,

I did not shout

when he was born, and

I won’t shout now either.

woman:

Our prior life

kept growing

inside us

for a few moments longer.

Speech,

movements,

expressions.

man and woman:

Now,

for a moment,

we sink.

Both not saying

the same words.

Not bewailing him,

for now,

but bewailing the music

of our previous life, the

wondrously simple, the

ease, the

face

free of wrinkles.

woman:

But we promised each other,

we swore to be,

to ache,

to miss

him,

to live.

So what is it now

that makes you

suddenly tear away?

man:

After that night

a stranger came and grasped

my shoulders and said: Save

what is left.

Fight, try to heal.

Look into her eyes, cling

to her eyes, always

her eyes—

do not let go.

woman:

Don’t go back there,

to those days. Do not

turn back your gaze.

man:

In that darkness I saw

one eye

weeping

and one eye

crazed.

A human eye,

extinguished,

and the eye

of a beast.

A beast half

devoured in the predator’s mouth,

soaked with blood,

insane,

peered out at me from your eye.

woman:

The earth

gaped open,

gulped us

and disgorged.

Don’t go back

there, do not go,

not even one step

out of the light.

man:

I could not, I dared not

look into your eye,

that eye of

madness,

into your noneness.

woman:

I did not see you,

I did not see

a thing,

from the human eye

or the eye

of the beast.

My soul was uprooted.

It was very cold then

and it is cold

now, too.

Come to sleep,

it’s late.

man:

For five years

we unspoke

that night.

You fell mute,

then I.

For you the quiet

was good,

and I felt it clutch

at my throat. One after

the other, the words

died, and we were

like a house

where the lights

go slowly out,

until a somber silence

fell—

woman:

And in it

I rediscovered you,

and him. A dark mantle

cloaked the three of us,

enfolded us

with him, and we were mute

like him. Three embryos

conceived

by the bane—

man:

And together

we were born

on the other side,

without words,

without colors,

and we learned

to live

the inverse

of life.

(silence)

woman:

See how

word by word

our confiding

is attenuated, macerated,

like a dream

illuminated

by a torch. There was

a certain miracle

within the quietude,

a secrecy

within the silence

that swallowed us up

with him. We were silent there

like him, there we spoke

his tongue.

For words—

how does the drumming

of words voice

his death?!

town chronicler: In the hush that follows her shout, the man retreats until his back touches the wall. Slowly, as if in his sleep, he spreads both arms out and steps along the wall. He circles the small kitchen, around and around her.

man:

Tell me,

tell me

about us

that night.

woman:

I sense something

secret: you are tearing off

the bandages

so you may drink

your blood, provisions

for your journey to there.

man:

That night,

tell me

about us

that night.

woman:

You

circle

around me

like a beast

of prey. You close

in on me

like a nightmare.

That night, that

night.

You want to hear about

that night.

We sat on these chairs,

you there, me here.

You smoked. I remember

your face came

and went in the smoke,

less and less

each time. Less

you, less

man.

man:

We waited

in silence

for morning.

No

morning

came.

No

blood

flowed.

I stood up, I wrapped you

in a blanket,

you gripped my hand, looked

straight into my eyes: the man

and woman

we had been

nodded farewell.

woman:

No

wafted dark

and cold

from the walls,

bound my body,

closed and barred

my womb. I thought:

They are sealing

the home that once

was me.

man:

Speak. Tell me

more. What did we say?

Who spoke first? It was very quiet,

wasn’t it? I remember breaths.

And your hands twisting

together. Everything else

is erased.

woman:

Cold, quiet fire burned

around us.

The world outside shriveled,

sighed, dwindled

into a single dot,

scant,

black,

malignant.

I thought: We must

leave.

I knew: There’s nowhere

left.

man:

The minute

it happened,

the minute

it became—

woman:

In an instant we were cast out

to a land of exile.

They came at night, knocked on our door,

and said: At such and such time,

in this or that place, your son

thus and thus.

They quickly wove

a dense web, hour

and minute and location,

but the web had a hole in it, you

see? The dense web

must have had a hole,

and our son

fell

through.

town chronicler: As she speaks these words, he stops circling her. She looks at him with dulled eyes. Lost, arms limp, he faces her, as if struck at that moment by an arrow shot long ago.

woman:

Will I ever again

see you

as you are,

rather than as

he is not?

man:

I can remember

you without

his noneness—your innocent,

hopeful smile—and I can remember

myself without his noneness. But not

him. Strange: him

without his noneness, I can no longer

remember. And as time goes by

it starts to seem as though

even when he was,

there were signs

of his noneness.

woman:

Sometimes, you know,

I miss

that ravaged,

bloody

she.

Sometimes I believe her

more than I believe

myself.

man:

She is the reason I take

my life

in your hands and ask

you a question

I myself

do not understand:

Will you go with me?

There—

to him?

woman:

That night I thought:

Now we will separate. We cannot live

together any longer. When I tell you

yes,

you will embrace

the no, embrace

the empty space

of him.

man:

How will we cleave together?

I wondered that night.

How will we crave each other?

When I kiss you,

my tongue will be slashed

by the shards of his name

in your mouth—

woman:

How will you look into my eyes

with him there,

an embryo

in the black

of my pupils?

Every look, every touch,

will pierce. How will we love,

I thought that night.

How will we love, when

in deep love

he was

conceived.

man:

The

moment

it happened—

woman:

It happened? Look

at me, tell me:

Did it happen?

man:

And it billows up

abundantly,

an endless

wellspring. And I

know—as long as

I breathe,

I will draw

and drink and drip

that blackened

moment.

woman:

Mourning condemns

the living

to the grimmest solitude,

much like the loneliness

in which disease

enclothes

the ailing.

man:

But in that loneliness,

where—like soul

departing body—

I am torn

from myself, there

I am no longer alone,

no longer alone,

ever since.

And I am not

just one there,

and never will be

only one—

woman:

There I touch his

inner self,

his gulf,

as I have

never touched

a person

in the world—

man:

And he,

he also touches

me from

there, and his touch—

no one has ever

touched me in that way.

(silence)

woman:

If there were such a thing

as there,

and there isn’t,

you know—but if

there were,

they would have already gone

there.

One of everyone would have

got up and gone. And how

far will you go,

and how will you know

your way back,

and what if you don’t

come back, and even if

you find it—

and you won’t,

because it isn’t—

if you find it, you will not

come back,

they will not let you

back, and if you do

come back, how

will you be, you might

come back so different

that you won’t

come back,

and what about me,

how will I be if you don’t

come back, or if

you come back

so different that you don’t

come back?

town chronicler: She gets up and embraces him. Her hands scamper over his body. Her mouth probes his face, his eyes, his lips. From my post in the shadows, outside their window, it looks as if she is throwing herself over him like a blanket on a fire.

woman:

That night I thought:

Now we will never

separate.

Even if we want to,

how can we?

Who will sustain him, who will

embrace

if our two bodies do not

envelop

his empty fullness?

man:

Come,

what could be simpler?

Without mulling or wondering

or thinking: his mother

and father

get up and go

to him.

woman:

In whose eyes will we look to see him,

present and absent?

In whose hand

will we intertwine fingers

to weave him

fleetingly

in our flesh?

Don’t go.

man:

The eyes,

one single

spark

from his eyes—

how can we,

how may we

not try?

woman:

And what will you tell him,

you miserable madman?

What will you say? That hours

after him, the hunger awoke

in you?

That your body

and mine, like a pair

of ticks, clutched

at life and clung

to each other and forced us

to live?

man:

If we can be with him

for one more moment,

perhaps he, too,

will be

for one more

moment,

a look—

a breath—

woman:

And then what?

What will become

of him?

And of us?

man:

Perhaps we’ll die like he did, instantly.

Or, facing him, suspended,

we will swing

between the living

and the dead—

but that we know. Five years

on the gallows of longing.

(pause)

The smell

your body emits

when your grief

plunges on you,

lunges;

the bitter smell in which

I always find

his odor, too.

woman:

His smells—

sweet, sharp,

sour.

His washed hair

his bathed flesh

the simple spices

of the body—

man:

The way he used to sweat after a game,

remember?

Burning with excitement—

woman:

Oh, he had smells for every season:

the earthy aromas of autumn hikes,

rain evaporating from wool sweaters,

and when you worked the spring fields together,

odor from the sweat of your brows,

the vapors of working men, filled the house—

man:

But most of all I loved the summer,

with its notes of peaches

and plums,

their juices running down his cheeks—

woman:

And when he came back

from a campfire with friends,

night and smoke

on his breath—

man:

Or when he returned

from the beach,

a salty tang

in his hair—

woman:

On his skin.

The scent of his baby blanket,

the smell of his diapers

when he drank only breast milk,

then seemingly

one moment later—

man:

The sheets of a boy

in love.

woman:

Sometimes, when we are

together, your sorrow

grips my sorrow,

my pain bleeds into yours,

and suddenly the echo of

his mended, whole body

comes from inside us,

and then one might briefly imagine—

he is here.

(pause)

I would go

to the end

of the world with you,

you know. But you are not

going to him, you are going

somewhere else, and there

I will not go, I cannot.

I will not.