Ignore It!

IGNORE MY KIDS? ARE YOU CRAZY?
 
Whenever I counsel parents to ignore their children, I receive one of two responses. Roughly half look at me with a tilted head and an expression similar to the one my dog, Norma, makes when she isn’t sure what I am saying. They say something like, “Um, what do you mean, ignore them?” I repeat my thoughts about ignoring all of the annoying or testing behaviors, and the parents start to wonder if I am a bad family coach. Why on earth would they ignore their children? It feels counterintuitive. Bad behavior doesn’t just go away if you ignore it.
 
Well, actually, it does. After learning about Ignore it!, one dad told me he was scared to ignore his son’s inappropriate behavior because he worried the child would think he was okay with it. Dad wasn’t okay with it, and he wanted to be able to express that to his son. With Ignore it!, he still can convey that message—only not with words. His behavior will speak for him.
 
The other half of the parents are ecstatic to have permission to ignore their kids. They are exhausted from constant parenting. Managing children, careers, house payments and taxes, elderly parents, birthday parties, and school projects has mothers and fathers on the edge of checking out. Learning what one can and should ignore is often life-changing. One dad, relieved that he could at times ignore his only child, wrote me, “Thank you for this method. Now I can procreate again.” I’m pretty sure he was serious.
 
What isn’t disputed by these parents is that they are experiencing highly undesirable behavior from their children. Their kids whine. They cry and yell and scream and tantrum. The kids agitate them, often on purpose. And they push all of Mom and Dad’s buttons just because they can. Children are exploiting their parents’ vulnerabilities in every town, in every county, in every corner of every state. In response, parents spend more time disciplining than ever before. Time-outs and consequences are in perpetual rotation. Everything is a negotiation. But none of this is working. Not only is the unacceptable behavior not disappearing, it often gets worse.
 
As behavior gets worse parents yell more and punish more. They are angry and frustrated a lot more. Or, worst of all, they give up and give in. As a result, moms and dads enjoy parenting on a day‑to‑day basis a lot less. Something has to give. Parents usually choose to have children because while they imagined the hard work, they focused on the intense joy. However, they feel deflated when the balance is off so significantly. They experience considerably more frustration than elation.
 
Where did they go wrong?
 
WATCH ME, WATCH ME, WATCH ME
 
What is really at the heart of the two general parent responses to Ignore it! is that, in this age of relentless child observation, adulation, and adoration, ignoring children seems to be anathema to the predominate parenting style. Hyperparenting is an epidemic. I am not pointing fingers at helicopter parents because, quite honestly, we are all helicoptering to some degree. We never ignore our children. Ever. We take a heightened interest in everything they do, from their homework to their after-school activities to getting them into the best college.
 
Now, I can almost hear some of you saying, “That isn’t me.” Okay, maybe there are degrees to helicopter parenting. But read a few phrases most parents hear on a daily basis and ask yourself if you belong in the group:
 
“Mom, watch me do this dive again.”
“Mom, did you see the amazing car I made with my LEGOs?”
“Dad, watch this replay of my insane touchdown on the Xbox.”
“Pop, watch me climb this tree.”
 
“Watch me, watch me, watch me.” Kids aren’t satisfied pleasing themselves. They want to impress their parents and everyone around them, and they want to hear feedback on how (OMG!) awesome they are. Just observe any child playing any sport. A kid makes a great play in soccer and immediately looks to the parent for the thumbs‑up. Parents dictate self-worth in early childhood. By middle school, self-worth is decreed by an outside influence and measured in likes, shares, and popularity. Teens vigilantly craft their online images by posting only carefully curated selfies that have been approved by their best friends.
 
The need for attention is so great that children will go to extreme lengths to attain it. At first, most aim for the spotlight by being delightful. But sometimes that doesn’t work. Parents may have other children to divide their attention. Some parents work from home or are sick or even need a minute to make a call or send an e‑mail. This divided attention can lead kids to try to snag attention in less desirable ways. Enter: nudging, testing, needling, whining, yelling, and tantruming.
 
How and when did all of this attention-seeking and testing behavior start?
 
It began in infancy, and it was learned. Yup, we taught this behavior to our babies. We don’t just let kids watch a Baby Einstein video while we take a break from parenting for a half hour. No, we insist on sitting with them to teach them or support them or just keep them safe. Babies nowadays have a lot less self-directed play. In past generations, children didn’t have to be learning all the time. They just played without purpose. Those days are long gone.
 
Kids used to be left up to their own devices much more. They explored freely, rode their bikes around town, walked with their friends to the store for gum. When I was a kid, I’d spend long hours in the basement making “art” out of household products and laundry detergent. If I got bored, I’d walk myself over to the Schwartzes’ house to play Risk or Atari or hoops in the driveway. When it was time for my piano lesson, I’d ride my bike to the teacher’s house a mile away, all by myself. It was great. Times have changed.
 
This idea of constant parental supervision and instruction isn’t just self-imposed by parents. It is coming from all areas of society. For example, take a look at the description for a popular toy called Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Baby’s First Blocks (notice the word “brilliant” in the name). The toy is a bucket containing shaped blocks and topped with a sorting grate. The online description of the toy reads, “Your baby will learn new concepts about colors and shapes (circle, star, triangle, and more) as the two of you sort the blocks through the shape-sorting lid before stacking up each group to knock them down.” This toy is for a six-month-old. Why would a parent need to sort the blocks with the baby? Why can’t the baby just play on her own? Answer: because society tells parents they need to constantly engage their attention on their children.
 
Of course, children require attention from their parents. And parents are usually devoted to providing it. But there is a healthy amount of attention that can turn problematic. More attention doesn’t necessarily produce better-adjusted and – behaved children. Once children come to expect endless attention, that attention can turn into a drug, and your kid into an addict. And just like the junkie seeking a fix, children continue attention-seeking behaviors despite undesirable consequences such as yelling and punishment.
 
THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THE ASYLUM
 
There is a natural call-and-response system set up to ensure babies thrive. When even day-old babies need something, like milk or to be changed, they cry. Crying alerts parents that the baby requires assistance. As parents respond quickly to the baby’s needs, a secure attachment starts to develop. It is very important for a child to forge a trust that his needs will be met reliably. So what’s the downside?
 
Infants quickly learn that to score a parent’s attention, crying gets the job done. Long before children can speak or even use American Sign Language, they learn to communicate through crying. Baby wants milk? He cries. Baby sees a strange face or hears a loud noise? He cries. Baby’s angry, frustrated, bored, sad, gassy? Well, he might as well cry. For newborns crying is an innate ability that acts like a survival skill. It’s the universal language all parents understand.
 
Parents work hard to stop that crying, and that’s a good thing—at first. But at some point, children are able to tolerate more hunger, frustration, and discomfort. When parents intervene without fail to stop all types of crying, children learn to use it for their advantage. Whimpering and whining gets immediate attention from Mom and Dad, as well as a quick resolution. As children age, they learn to perfect their pitch and—Shazam!—Crying becomes tantrums. It turns out parents hate tantrums even more than crying, and will do anything, especially if in public, to end the hysteria. And your kid knows it.
 
Children, particularly young children, control precious little in their lives. Parents control everything. This lopsided power dynamic doesn’t sit well with those on the losing end. Kids sometimes challenge parents just because they can. For example, Sam, who is two, asks for Cheerios but—as soon as they’re poured into a bowl with milk—he refuses them. No! No! No! I want eggs! No Cheerios! Eggs! Sam loves Cheerios, but he wants to see if Mom will make the eggs. Can you guess what happens?
 
Sam throws a fit. He shoves his bowl out of his reach. He starts crying with tears streaming down his face. When his mother moves the Cheerios bowl closer to Sam, he turns enraged. No Cheerios! No Cheerios! Red in the face, screaming, crying, and kicking, Sam is letting it all out—and he knows exactly what he is doing. And, without fail, Mom starts making the eggs. She doesn’t want Sam to be hungry at preschool, and she is in a rush to get the older kids off to school. Sam calms down immediately. Just like in infancy, Sam’s mother will do anything to stop the crying.
 
Now Sam knows he has more power than he thought. This is intoxicating, and Sam starts to find lots of other ways to get Mom to do his bidding. When she says no to a toy at CVS, Sam throws a giant tantrum. He! Wants! His! Toy! Mom is embarrassed. She feels the other shoppers turn their gaze to her son, and then to her, with that look. You know the look. It says, “You are a terrible parent, because if you were a good parent your child wouldn’t act this way. Now shut that kid up.” In no mood for a public power struggle, Mom buys the toy. Sam is thrilled. Not only does he have a new plastic robot thing, but he coerced Mom into doing what he wanted. Again. This behavior is really working out for him.
 
Not so much for Mom.
 
The cumulative effect of Sam’s actions is a fairly consistent battle of wills. Mom or Dad say one thing. Sam says another. They say, “No!” He says, “Yes!” Sometimes Mom and Dad win the battle. Although they are drained from the experience, they leave the store without the toy. Over time, though, Sam wins the war. He isn’t bothered by the constant negotiation. It is fun, it draws loads of attention, and it sometimes even produces a toy or an ice-cream cone. But Mom and Dad are beaten down by the ceaseless battle. They want “no” to mean “no.” Can’t they just run into the store without buying anything? Yes, they can.
 
But not until they change the dynamic.
 
LET’S NEGOTIATE: SAMPLE SCENARIOS
 
A mother called me just last week to get some help with Eleanor, her strong-willed five-year-old daughter. Mom told me her child negotiates about absolutely everything. So I asked Mom what usually happens when Eleanor negotiates. “Well, I don’t give in to her demands,” she replied. “Usually, we meet somewhere in the middle, so it feels like we both win.” Um, no. You aren’t winning. As soon as I explained why Eleanor negotiates (because the tactic works), Mom had her lightbulb moment. She realized that any negotiation was a win for Eleanor and it just made her do it more. And more. And more. I told Eleanor’s mother to make decisions on some of the nonnegotiable rules in her house and to start enforcing them without discussion. For example, Mom wanted Eleanor to sit at the table for meals instead of on the couch. Eleanor likes to watch television while she eats. Eleanor’s mom really didn’t want to allow it, but it seemed to be the only way Eleanor would consume food. Mom decided that from now on Eleanor would not be allowed to eat on the couch.
 
The next day at lunchtime, Eleanor went to the couch and sat down in her usual spot. Her mom entered the room (a little parenting tip: never yell requests from another room) and told Eleanor lunch was ready on the table. Eleanor was befuddled and went right into mediation mode.
 
“Why can’t I eat by the television?”
“But I always eat on the couch.”
“Can’t I just watch and eat this one last time?” (Mom almost fell for this one.)
“How about I eat on the couch but then I’ll come to the table to drink my milk?”
“What if I eat at the table but you move it to be in front of the TV?”
 
As Eleanor tried to negotiate, Mom made her own lunch, very slowly making a sandwich for herself. She worked on the food slowly, deliberately, because she feared if she looked at Eleanor she would crack and give in. Eleanor turned angry. Mom kept her resolve. Eleanor started to shout that she wouldn’t eat. Mom stayed the course, keeping lunch on the table. Eleanor got mean and insulted Mom, but Mom just ignored every outburst. Mom took her sandwich to the table and choked down a few bites while flipping through a catalog (as I told her to do). She didn’t move Eleanor’s lunch. She didn’t make eye contact, and she didn’t engage. Every time Eleanor would try to kick-start the negotiation, Mom acted as if she didn’t hear it.
 
Mom was carefully keeping an eye on Eleanor, who—in the name of dramatic impact—was lying across the doorway between the kitchen and the family room. But ultimately, pride gave in to hunger and reality.  Eleanor wanted to eat. She saw Mom wasn’t cracking. Suddenly, she rose, walked to the table, sat down, and ate. Inside, Mom was both euphoric and shocked. She had been dreading this task the entire day. Now, flying high, Mom closed her catalog and excitedly began to discuss a dear friend’s visit for that afternoon. The focus was off of where lunch was being eaten. After a few minutes of conversation, Mom told Eleanor that she was doing a great job eating her sandwich.
 
Eleanor’s mom told me her daughter hadn’t eaten anything at the table in eons. She’d thought it wasn’t possible. If she had known that all she would have had to do to get Eleanor back to the table was to ignore her negotiating and outbursts, she would have done it years earlier. She said it would have saved hours and hours of arguments.
 
BEDTIME
 
Addie is an eleven-year-old only child who is very close to her divorced mother. Addie’s mom absolutely adores Addie. She works considerably long hours, but likes to give Addie all of her attention when she can. However, Addie’s mom has consistently dealt with one issue every single day since Addie was a baby. Namely, Addie possesses an arsenal filled with techniques to keep from going to bed.
 
When Mom arrives home from work, she has a hard time saying no to Addie—and the child knows it. So when it comes time for bed, Addie turns on the charm. She asks Mom to tell her stories from childhood. She tries to snuggle just a little bit longer. The list of people in Addie’s prayers lengthens more every day. It started with her parents. Then her aunts and uncles and grandparents. Now she’s praying for the guy at the grocery store, the New York Mets, Taylor Swift, the person who invented scissors, and the mail lady. She needs a sip of water. Her toe hurts. She forgot to have a paper for school signed. She’s nervous for a test. Could she just quickly grab a bite to eat because she is still hungry? Oh, wait. Now her stomach hurts. She forgot to plug in her cell phone. There is a strange sound outside her window. And so it goes. Every. Single. Night.
 
Fed up with this ordeal, Mom contacted me to help resolve this problem. She wanted Addie to say her prayers, have a quick tuck‑in, and just go to sleep. When I asked Mom how she handles Addie when she prolongs bedtime, she sighed and then gave me a laundry list of lame responses ranging from “Okay, honey, go to sleep” to “You better get your butt in that bed and stay there!” Sometimes Mom felt Addie really needed something, so she provided the water, a warmer blanket, or Addie’s retainers (Mom had already spent $3,000 on orthodontia and she wasn’t about to let those teeth go to pot just because Addie can’t remember to put those darn retainers in at night). It was clear that Addie had cracked her mom’s code. Mom couldn’t resist responding to Addie. She loved her dearly, after all. It would be rude not to respond to her requests.
 
I explained to Mom that Addie knows she is loved, and ignoring some of these nightly extravagances wouldn’t shake that bond. Addie wasn’t carrying on because she felt slighted or unloved. No, she was behaving as such because she could. Addie called out and Mom responded, and the entire ritual encouraged the child to call out again and again.
 
After our chat, however, Mom was catching on to the pattern and learning how to Ignore it!. The very next evening, Mom told Addie that after she said good night she would not engage in any additional conversation until morning. I told Mom that if for some reason Addie woke up in the middle of the night and seemed sick, she should, of course, check on her.
 
Addie didn’t really take Mom seriously because she has always been able to manipulate her. So Addie got in bed, said her prayers, and then Mom said good night and left the room. Immediately, Addie started to call out. The calls got louder and angrier each time. Eventually, Addie rose from her bed and found Mom, who was putting away the laundry. The daughter cleared her throat and said, loudly, “Mom, seriously, I needed to tell you something!”
 
Mom was beside herself trying not to ask Addie what she had to tell her. Again, in Mom’s head, she is thinking it is rude not to answer her daughter. But then she remembered that I told her that Addie would probably get very creative and sneaky trying to get her mom to engage.
 
Addie carries on: “Mom, are you listening? I have to tell you something really important that happened at school.” This is a soft spot for Mom. She prides herself on being available for Addie and knowing all that is going on in her life. Sensing that she is getting too close for comfort, Mom heads into her bathroom and begins brushing her teeth. Addie yells, “Oh. My. Gosh. Are you ignoring me? Fine. I won’t tell you what happened.” She turns and leaves the room. Mom takes a deep breath. Was it really going to be that easy?
 
Nope. Addie is back. “Mom, I have a stomachache.” Now this would normally throw Mom into a tizzy. If Addie is sick tomorrow, that would throw off her work plans, and she has a major meeting at eight a.m. But this time Mom doesn’t react at all. Addie wasn’t sick two minutes ago. Mom starts to see it so clearly now. All this time she was encouraging Addie’s behavior. Of course she resisted bedtime—because Mom let her. Now Mom was resolved. She was going to win this war once and for all.
 
Addie tested Mom for more than an hour. It escalated. Addie got furious. She cried and whimpered on and off. This was really hard for Mom. But eventually, Addie went to bed. Mom was afraid of encountering Addie in the morning. She was sure Addie would give her the cold shoulder. I had instructed Mom to engage Addie in a very joyful, positive manner and start chatting as soon as she saw her. Mom did and Addie never mentioned the night before.
 
The following evening, Mom once again told Addie that after she said good night she wouldn’t return. Addie should put herself to sleep. Now Mom introduced a reward for Addie. She told her that if she stayed in her room all night she could buy a new song on iTunes in the morning before school (I’ll discuss more about rewards in Chapter 9). Addie was fanatical about music. This worked like a charm. Addie did call out a bunch of times, but she never left her room, and she was asleep in about thirty minutes. Mom continued the reward system as well as Ignore it! every night that week, and by the weekend Addie no longer resisted bedtime. It turned out she enjoyed reading a little on her own and putting herself to sleep. And she loved getting new songs every day. Eventually, when Addie stopped calling out at bedtime and never left her room for several weeks, Mom told Addie that she was so proud of her accomplishment. Mom didn’t want to reward her forever for this behavior. We discussed finding a big surprise for Addie to celebrate. Mom located a concert in the area that Addie would love. They went together and Mom gushed about her pride in how Addie had changed. But really it was Mom who had changed. Mom continued to show Addie her pleasure at the new bedtime routine because it was important for Addie to still get the attention she needed. However, after the concert Mom discontinued any material rewards for bedtime behavior.
 
DINNER
 
Mealtime at Steve and Dottie Johnson’s house is a nightmare. Their preschooler son Jack is becoming a very picky eater. When his mom asks if he wants pasta or grilled cheese for lunch, he says, “Pasta.” But when Dottie brings Jack his pasta, he immediately says, “I didn’t want pasta. I’m not going to eat it.” Before reading Ignore it!, Dottie would try to rationalize with Jack. She’d explain that he had indeed asked for the pasta. “It is the same pasta you loved last night for dinner,” she’d say. Continuing to sell the pasta, she’d say, “You need to eat to grow up to be tall like daddy.” Every effort to get Jack to eat just made him more resolute. He’d emphatically declare, “I will not eat it—ever!” Jack knew instinctively that his mother cared a great deal about his nutrition because he was small for his age and very thin. He actually loves pasta but enjoys seeing his mother rush about the kitchen even more.
 
After applying Ignore it!, meals are a whole lot more enjoyable. Dottie still asks Jack what he would like and then she gives it to him. But as soon as the complaining begins, she turns away from Jack. Sometimes she gets up to pretend to busy herself at the stove. Other times, she grabs herself a drink. But she doesn’t engage with Jack if he is complaining about the meal. She decides that if he doesn’t want to eat what he asked for, then he will just have to be a little hungry until the next meal. But a funny thing happens when Dottie ignores Jack. The battle of wills never begins. Jack notices his mom isn’t begging him to eat like she usually does. And she isn’t even offering to make him something else. Feeling hungry, Jack decides on his own to start eating. Dottie is overcome with glee, but she doesn’t show it. As soon as she sees Jack is eating his food, she begins to reengage him by asking what he would like to do after his nap.
 
IMPORTANT POINTS TO REMEMBER
 
■■ When you negotiate, you lose even if you win something.
■■ Any attention, even negative, is still motivating to a child.
■■ Children have learned from a young age to whine, cry, and negotiate to get something wanted.
■■ Young children have no control over their lives, so they try to exert control whenever possible.
■■ Hyperparenting created a generation of “watch me, watch me, watch me” kids.